blog 14: grateful

I remember a time when Sundays were a day of being stuck in bed with a pounding headache or wrapped around a toilet throwing up. I remember getting text messages reminding me of all the stupid things I had did and said.

My mind would start to fill with embarrassment, guilt, and shame.

I remember I would think, okay now I need to get high. Just to escape my own thoughts.

So, that’s what I did.

Recently I’ve been reminded of where I was, to where I am now. Words cannot describe how grateful I am for my life now. Peace, joy, and love are things that cannot be bought. You can never buy these things and even if you find them in THINGS those things will eventually fade away.

At first I thought the answer was sobriety. I got sober for awhile but that never took away the guilt, shame, pain , anger, or frustration. I was just a sober miserable person. I always wanted to start over. I knew that’s what I needed I just didn’t know how to find that. I remember I would tell my dad. “If I could just move out of town it would get better”

I wanted to try and run away.

I wanted a way out.

I needed an escape from myself, from my past, and mostly from my own mind!

Then I met Jesus.

I had a supernatural encounter with Him. And I learned…

“If anyone is in Christ, he is a NEW creation. The old has passed away; behold, the NEW has come.” 2 Corinthians 5:17

Woah! I could get a whole new start? Everything I have ever done or been a part of can go away??

The answer is YES!

It’s a really hard thing to try and explain how addictions were taken from me but they were. I love this portion of scripture. Jesus heals a man who has been blind since birth! When he heals him and the religious people question how was he healed , I love the man’s answer.

“I don’t know who the man is but I was blind and now I see.” paraphrased John 9:25

It’s so hard to show people every little detail of where God has truly healed me. All I know is I was an addict and now I’m not!

I was depressed and now I’m not!

I had panic attacks and now I don’t!

I’ve heard people say they aren’t sure what their testimony is. To that I would ask. “What has God seen you through? What is something you had no idea how you would get through but God got you through it? THAT IS YOUR TESTIMONY. Some of us are going through it right now. I love that our testimony never really stops. We go through things to be able to lean on Jesus and then watch Him get us through. And then share to the next person!

These are the things to be grateful for.

You know that’s what really KEEPS ME.

When its an early Sunday morning , my husband is driving while I’m doing my makeup and can see my three beautiful kids in the back seat. The sun is barely rising, the air is crisp, on our way to CHURCH!! My mind and my heart can’t help but be so grateful. Before I would be waking up in a random house full of shame on a Sunday. I’d be waking up hurting from a hangover or needing another fix of some kind of drug. Some Sundays I woke up still messed up from the day before. I remember a Sunday I woke up in a Applebees parking lot because I had drank so much. The same sunrise , the same crisp air. But I just remember feeling SO EMPTY. SO ALONE. SO BROKEN. When I had nothing left and I came to church is where I met Jesus. In an instant I felt SO COMFORTED. SO SEEN. SO WHOLE. Just like the man in John. I don’t know how He did it. But He did! He’s been so good to me. Over and over again. I wish I could write down all the ways He’s came through for me and continues to. In my mind, in my marriage, my finances, the list goes on. I don’t even have the words to express how many different ways He’s come through. In return I serve Him with my life.

I am so free!

If you’re reading this and you struggle with addiction of any sort. Or you feel bound to shame , guilt , depression, anxiety etc…let me tell you. I am a living testimony that if Jesus could do it for me He can do it for you!

The biggest lie is that you have to get yourself together before coming to church before coming to Jesus. He just wants you to come to Him, jacked up and all.

Matthew 11:28 “Come to me, all you who are struggling hard and carrying heavy loads, and I will give you rest. 29 Put on my yoke, and learn from me. I’m gentle and humble. And you will find rest for yourselves. 30 My yoke is easy to bear, and my burden is light.”

You will never regret, asking Jesus to help you. I promise. He is everything you need and everything you never knew you needed!

I hope this spoke to you friends, I love you!

ONE LOVE